… of macaroni and cheese. I’m mentioning the aforementioned balls because I admitted my consumption of two of these delicacies and my taskmaster – aka Tiffany – told me I had write about it in my blog. There you go.

I went out last night and was sucked into a vortex of feeling judgment about myself. We went to a play about S & M. It wasn’t as spicy as it sounds, although maybe that’s why I went for the balls. (Just kidding!) I was swept up in feeling chunky because of the lovely actress who was sporting fishnet tights on her tiny rounded butt. Have you ever felt your butt getting fatter? Yes? Yeah… well, me too. I sat watching her and thinking of the days when I had a lovely butt. Would my ass ever be perky again? Not unless surgery can really do miracles.

It didn’t help me later, when we went for a beer after the play, to hear my friends describe all of their training regimes. Crossfit kept popping up, and boy does it sound hard. HARD. Or… let’s talk about their three days of “athletic training.”

“What’s that?” I asked, almost in fear.

“Just sprints, squats carrying truck tires, and… and… ” (Okay, I will admit I lost her at sprints.)

The other three girls were all going the next morning to lift some iron. What would I be lifting? My three fat pugs.

After I confessed my run-in with melted battered balls and Tiffany said I had to confess to all of you, well, I felt pretty bad. Here I am, teaching Law of Attraction and weight loss and I’m experiencing bouts with yummy balls. Yes, there was more judgment. I thought about what I wrote just a few days ago about my five top thoughts, and I remembered Mike Dooley’s constant admonition, “Thoughts Become Things!” But what if your beliefs don’t harmonize with your thoughts? Which one wins? Which is more deeply held? Yeah… you’ve probably already caught on.

Beliefs.

Yesterday morning I was speaking to a friend of mine who is having relationship problems. This wasn’t the first time. She was one of my Infinite Possibility students and she is just learning. She wanted me to send her “positive thoughts.” Did I mention that all our thoughts of positivity can’t control other people? If they could, I am sure Tiffany would have thought me thinner already! If I had a magic wand I would surely wave it and help my friend deal with her rampant thoughts. We had gone over a list of all the reasons she was grateful for her boyfriend. Bathing their romance in thoughts of gratitude and visions for the future worked for a little while, and yet time and again she was back to the fighting about the same thing.

AHA! I realized, we were focused on her thoughts, but her beliefs hadn’t changed. At the heart of our thoughts are the beliefs we hold. My friend had a deeply seated belief that she wasn’t good enough for him. Or that he will leave her. Or that he will find someone better. Or that she will be hurt. Beliefs are like wriggling little worms digging through the dirt of our thoughts. They insidiously writhe and pulse reminding us of our feelings of fear. Until we can deworm our beliefs (or encourage new ones to take their place), they will keep raising their heads no matter how lovely our thoughts. I felt this wave of excitement when I had the AHA moment! Now she could fix it – just like I can fix my beliefs about my body, right? Not so easy.

When I was teaching my class, I was speaking to my students about the Law of Attraction; that it doesn’t stop working. Ever. As we bring these fears with us, we get opportunities to feel them again… and again… and again. It’s like an intricate energetic web. This morning I faced my balls. (Okay, can we just admit this is fun to talk about?) I faced my balls, but not with judgment.

If you keep judging yourself, you will keep getting opportunities to be judged.

Don’t believe me? Try this out for me today:

Be really kind and loving to people today. Tell people you love them. Give compliments. Be sweet and think good thoughts. You may already know this, but how do you feel? You feel good, right? You feel love. You feel appreciated. It’s a tactic I use whenever I begin to feel bad; I turn the feeling around by giving love. The Big U works every time. You will always get back what you send out. But here’s the kicker… It DOESN’T JUST WORK FOR THE GOOD THINGS.

Law of Attraction is always working. Thanks to my friend’s bad romance (Lady Gaga just played in my head), the point was brought home. Dig for those beliefs that are holding you back. What are you thinking about yourself? Are you judging yourself harshly by the airbrushed photos you see all over the media? Are you judging yourself by memories of a past, “better” body? Are you harboring self-hate even as you look in the mirror dutifully saying, “I love you” to improve your feelings about yourself? Are you saying it as you secretly think “God, look at those crow’s feet?”

“It’s been less than a day since I last ingested fried balls.” I am both the confessor and the priest in this tale of debauchery. And I refuse to judge. This is taking longer than I thought to whip into shape (more ode to S&M), and yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that we CAN change our beliefs. It merely takes more conscious thought. If we have held these beliefs for our entire lives, we may have to work through them a little longer. We may have feelings of insecurity, fear, judgment, self-hate, but what you don’t want to do is give up. If we keep blaming the ingestion of balls on our circumstances without getting to the deeper problem, well, it’s more of the same. More of the same to me used to be admitting defeat.

I will not be defeated by cheese in any form. Reminding myself of my credo, I can create whatever I want. I intend to create something good. I’m not giving up on me. I hope you won’t give up on me either.

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